


trying to find a reason to fight

by aelxh23



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Not Unhappy Ending, Communication, Conflict, Emotional Hurt, Flowers, Hurt, M/M, Mess, Post Episode 22, argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-25 13:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18575533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelxh23/pseuds/aelxh23
Summary: Levi knows he should feel worse about the literal death that happened today than his boyfriend saying… what he said, but sue him, at least he knows how to feel about Josh. It’s sad, really sad, but the sadder truth is that it’s part of the job.What Nico said, on the other hand, has a completely different effect. Sad, for sure. Confused. Stunned. Mad. Betrayed. Betrayed is a good way to put it, actually. It’s as though the last few months, and the many nights he and Nico had spent, only mostly talking about everything under the sun, most significantly their greatest insecurities, have become completely invalid. It hurt.What happens directly after Levi slams the door after episode 22.





	trying to find a reason to fight

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again! I said I wasn't gonna write anymore until after my exams but then I heard about the absolute mess that was episode 22 and couldn't resist. Pretty sure this sucks but hey, it's self therapy. 
> 
> This obviously contains spoilers if you haven't watched episode 22 or the latest episode of Station 19 yet. I'm British so I haven't watched the entire thing, but yeah. Also contains little elements of the crossover promo, but hopefully doesn't give too much away.
> 
> Title is from "Slip Away" by Gabrielle Aplin. Fantastic artist check her out if you don't know her!!

Ass. That’s the only word practically echoing through Levi’s mind as the door slams shut. He’s gone from calm to shocked to sad to pissed in under a minute, all culminating in the best door slam he’s ever executed. _Failure’s my entire identity, huh._

He’s not really sure what to do now, there’s no way he can re-enter the room after that, and a quick glance through the window tells him that Nico’s interview with the so not amazing medical centre in San Francisco is well underway. There he is, arrogantly grinning like nothing happened. Just earlier that day, Levi had said he loved that arrogance, but maybe he's changing his mind. Ass.

His shift is now over, and he’s walking somewhat aimlessly around the hospital, as though he wants to do something, but the events of the grueling day have left his brain fried. Though just an intern, he felt the loss of the 21 year-old, seemingly healthy patient, as well as the inevitable grief of his super sweet grandpa, and then _that._ Levi knows he should feel worse about the literal death that happened today than his boyfriend saying… what he said, but sue him, at least he knows how to feel about Josh. It’s sad, really sad, but the sadder truth is that it’s part of the job.

What Nico said, on the other hand, has a completely different effect. Sad, for sure. Confused. Stunned. Mad. Betrayed. Betrayed is a good way to put it, actually. It’s as though the last few months, and the many nights he and Nico had spent, only mostly talking about everything under the sun, most significantly their greatest insecurities, have become completely invalid. It hurt.

And the worst thing is that he can’t be as sad, confused, mad, or whatever he’d want to be right now, because then the things Nico said would be right.

He realises exactly what he wants to do as he enters the cafeteria and glances towards the tables to see the usual in the far left corner. Hidden away, he sees Taryn slumped in her seat, half asleep, with what vaguely resembles a cookie wrapper the only thing resting on the table. The familiar image puts an actual smile on his face, so he considers it a good thing to approach her. Call it a distraction.

“Cookie for lunch again?” he asks playfully, making Taryn jump as she snaps out of her daze.

She blinks her half sleep away and grumbles, “Only on a break, needed the energy boost.”

“Nutritious,” Levi smirks, “You say ‘needed’ as though you weren't taking a nap in the cafeteria.”

“I was not taking a nap,” Taryn attempts to snap, but the sleep is still evident in her tone, “I was just…” She trails off and huffs, “Whatever.” She adjusts herself, getting out of her slump and sitting up straight, looking up at Levi, “You gonna sit?”

Levi ponders her question for a brief moment, before shrugging, “Sure.” He takes the seat and a comfortable silence falls between the pair. Normally it’s nice, but turning the external volume down only turns the internal volume up, and Levi can’t be listening to the internal right about now, so he decides to break it,

“Drinks.”

All he gets in response is a confused glance up from Taryn, to which Levi rolls his eyes, “Do you know if the guys are going for drinks later?”

“ _The guys_ , huh,” Taryn raised an eyebrow, “It’s been a while since we've been _the guys_ , thanks to a certain _other guy_ ,” It’s her turn to smirk and tease, and as usual she loves every moment until she notices the pained expression her remark has painted on Levi’s face and the slight slump it brought to his posture, “Hey, everything okay?”

Levi blinks, clears his throat and smiles faintly, “Drinks,” he repeats, hoping that gets the intended message across.

Taryn directs her whole attention to him and squints as though she’s trying to read his expression. Eventually, she nods, “I’ll let _the guys_ know.”

In response, Levi simply smiles in thanks, properly lifting his head and restoring his posture. They return to a moment of comfortable silence until it’s broken again, this time by the sudden beeping of Taryn’s pager.

“Crap, I gotta go,” she mutters, absentmindedly trying to collect the things she doesn't have on the cafeteria table, instead only picking up the cookie wrapper, “I get off at 8, but I’ll text you, yeah?”

Levi laughs a little at seeing Taryn so suddenly frantic and calls out, “Have fun!” as she scurries out of the cafeteria. The laugh dies out and he’s back to the feeling of square negative one. _Time to get the hell outta here._

* * *

 The busy, fresh air of the city of Seattle is a stark but absolutely welcome contrast to the also busy but often stuffy and highly emotional inside air of the hospital, and it does wonders for Levi’s mind as he wanders nowhere and everywhere.

The things Nico said were not okay. But they weren't true, both he and Nico know that, and for Levi to think any different after the last few months would be ridiculous. Levi still can’t quite make sense of everything, or at the very least he can’t make peace with everything, but he feels a little clearer about where things may stand.

And that’s how he ends up in the flower store, aimlessly looking for flowers that can say… whatever it is he wants to say to Nico. _I’m mad at you for what you said but I get it and I want to make sure you’re feeling okay after the absolute clusterfuck of a day we had but also I’m mad at you and I’m sorry?_ Maybe tulips say that. Levi doesn't know flowers.

His train of thought is broken by the sounds of someone who is seemingly going through a similar problem. At least that’s what the distressed coughs from the tall man standing on the other side of the flower display seem to indicate. Levi doesn't know people.

Curious regardless, Levi pokes his head above the flowers and asks, “You okay?”

The man hesitates, “Uhhh, yeah, I could use an opinion,” Levi takes a couple steps around the flower display to properly face the man and immediately feels out of his depth. As if he’s supposed to know flowers. The man continues, “Which one of these says ‘I wanna spend the rest of my life with you’?”

 _Of course._ Levi can’t help but smile at the irony of the similarity of their struggle, “That seems like a lot of pressure to put on some flowers.” And it is.

The man agrees, “Maybe I should just go with roses, I mean, are roses enough? Maybe I should get roses and something else,”

Levi has no more words of wisdom to offer, so shrugs slightly, letting out a laugh, “I have been standing here for five minutes trying to decide the same thing,” He pauses before deciding another opinion wouldn't hurt either, “Do you think that these,” Levi picks up a random bunch of flowers, “Say ‘I’m really sorry you killed someone?’”

 _Yeah that’s not how to put it either._ The man looks completely dumbfounded, so Levi tries to stutter out an explanation, “No- it’s- uh, I’m a doctor, they’re for… another doctor, who, uh-” _How’s he supposed to understand if I don’t understand?_ “It’s a long story. I think the roses, and, maybe...” he picks up another, admittedly prettier bunch of flowers to the ones he picked up before, “Some of these big fancy ones would be great,”

It’s a complete stab in the dark, but the man seems to approve, picking up the big fancy flowers and smiling, “Smart guy.” Not that Levi’s being petty, but that sounds like a success to him. Levi ends up paying for the man’s flowers and wishing him good luck before going back to cluelessly trying to decide which flowers say a message he hasn’t figured out yet. Still, there’s another little bit of positivity in his mind knowing he’s played a part in something special.

Eventually, after much deliberation, he decides that the random bunch he had previously picked out, with a variety of colours, would have to do. He could stand and consider each set of flowers as though they all magically said something different, but he could feel the store owner’s gaze growing tiresome, and it’s not like Nico has ever taken a particular interest in flowers anyways.

He finally pays for the flowers and leaves the store with another little feeling of accomplishment.

* * *

“I was on the scene, John Doe, collapsed and passed out,” Levi says as he exits the ambulance. _God, I hate this day._ No more than 10 seconds after leaving the flower store he spotted the man he’d spoken to before, a ray of positivity, collapsed on the ground in front of a trail of big fancy petals. The flowers Levi had agonised over choosing were mindlessly discarded on the nearest surface.

Levi thought he hated this day, until he stood in a crowded hospital room hearing the words “You just saved the fire chief,” come from an astounded Chief Bailey.

Now he’s slumped in the waiting room, back to having no idea what he thinks.

He needs to talk to Nico. Fire Chief Lucas Ripley just collapsed in the middle of the street on his way to propose. Him and Nico… it’s not _nothing,_ but they can sort it out, they just… he needs to talk to Nico. Levi takes his phone to text him, before realising that he still has absolutely no idea what to say. It takes him a few seconds to decide that that won’t stop him, a surge of confidence after the actually really great thing he did returning.

_Are you still at the hospital? We need to talk_

Sighing, Levi puts his phone back in his pocket. He’s not sure whether he’s expecting a response, and he definitely doesn't know what response he could expect, but soon enough, he feels a buzz in his pocket that seems to send a wave of nerves rippling through his entire body.

_At home._

That’s brief. Levi’s not sure what to make of it, whether that’s an invite to talk at home, or a warning to stay the hell away. For a brief moment, he thinks he should just leave it, let Nico stew in whatever emotions he’s feeling, but he knows that they really need to talk.

_Is that an invite?_

The buzz happens quickly this time.

_Sure._

That’s briefer, but it’s a yes. There’s nothing left he can do at the hospital, so he leaves without another word, and drives to Nico’s apartment. Before he knows it, he’s at the door, with no flowers, and no idea what he’s supposed to say. He’s about to use his own key to unlock the door, but Nico beats him to it.

“Hey,” they both quietly exchange greetings. Nico looks just as shut off from himself as he did before, which gives Levi all the indication he needed to determine how difficult this will be. Regardless, he continues.

“How was your interview?” he gives a small smile looking up at Nico’s face to see if anything changes in his expression.

“Fine,” It doesn't, and Levi doesn't really know where to go from there. It’s a classic ‘ripping off the band aid situation, where you psych yourself up telling yourself that if you do it quickly, it’ll be painless, but you never really convince yourself and when you eventually rip it off, it still hurts like a bitch.

But it hurts like a bitch either way, so Levi presses on, laughing nervously, “I, uh, I bought you some flowers, but, uh- stuff kinda… happened,”

“You bought me flowers?” Nico repeated, his tone a mixture of frustration, confusion and exhaustion. Levi simply nods, and Nico furrows his eyebrows, “Why?”

Levi opens his mouth, but closes it again when he realises he doesn't have an answer, “I don’t know.”

Nico huffs, still standing in the doorway, “Look, Levi, I really don’t have the energy for the chase, so if this-”

“What you said,” Levi interjects, surprising both Nico and himself with the force he used, “About failure being my entire identity,” The force dwindles fast as Nico looks entirely unfazed, “It hurt.”

“I’m… sorry?” Nico’s expression actually changes to reflect the confusion in his voice.

“It hurt a lot,” Levi continues, “And I know today was… beyond awful, but it’s just-”

He’s interrupted by Nico’s scoff, “I really don’t have the energy for this.”

“This? The hell do you mean this?”

“You! The drama!”

It’s Levi’s turn to scoff, “God, how many times are you gonna call me the drama before it’s actually true, Nico? I’m not being dramatic, what you said-”

“You and I both know I didn't mean what I said, I was just-”

“You were upset, yeah, I get it. But it’s not an excuse. That doesn't make it okay. That doesn't make it hurt any less than it does, Nico.”

Nico rolls his eyes, “You don’t think you’re overreacting just a little bit? I get that what I said was-”

“No, Nico! You don’t get it! My entire life, people have told me I was a failure, and they used my mistakes to define me. How do you think I got the name Glasses?! From the day I started at the hospital until the day I met you, that was my name, for every hour of every day. And you know that. You know exactly how it made me feel, because we’ve talked about it over and over again. You took my biggest insecurities, and you put them away somewhere and I couldn't find them anymore. Until today. You threw them back in my face. And for what?”

Nico’s expression has softened, “I wanted to hurt you,”

“Well, congratulations, Nico, you hurt me. You hurt me bad,” Levi scoffs again, this time the bitterness painful in his tone, “I guess failure really isn't your entire identity.”

“Levi… I-” the apologetic look on Nico’s face says more than he could, “I wanted to be alone. I’m bad at this, losing patients, being the one to blame when everything goes wrong, because I step back. Today… I didn't and I don’t… I don’t know how to process it, like there was all this anger and pain and pressure, so much going on in my head and it needed to get out and… you were there. But I really shouldn't have taken it out on you. I know that. And I’m sorry. Really.”

Levi’s back, once again, to square negative one, “I… I get it. You were hurting. You still are hurting. And so am I.” They both run out of words, and the realisation dawns upon them that they had their entire argument in the middle of Nico’s doorway.

Levi looks down at the ground and sighs, “I should go,” Nico opens his mouth as though he’s about to protest, but Levi continues and he shuts it again, “Not for good, but I have to deal with this… properly. And you do too. If I walk through that door now and pretend that nothing happened, it’ll linger. It can’t linger, Nico. I can’t live like that.”

Nico nods in understanding, and Levi keeps talking, “So I’m gonna go. Maybe go to Joe’s, I don’t know. If you’re up to it, maybe I’ll see you there. If not, I’ll see you at work.”

He turns around to leave, before stopping in his tracks and turning back to look at Nico and smiling softly, “We both need time. To figure this out. On our own first, but then we can figure it out together.”

“Goodbye, Nico.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! All kudos and comments are appreciated, would love to know what you thought! Very interested to see where the show takes this now.


End file.
